When I was diagnosed with Bipolar a few years ago I was convinced they had it wrong. I thought that my symptoms were just the depression I'd suffered for most of my life and the mania, well, I thought I was just a spontaneous nut case at times.
Turns out, the random shit I did and the situations I put myself in weren't 'normal'. From the age of 13 I had been a bit off the rails, fell pregnant, grew up, struggled, partied, struggled, floated, struggled... you get the picture. My behaviour was erratic to say the least but I just thought that was me and I was a bit of a twat. I blamed depression. I convinced myself that the times I wasn't crying, I was just being me and living my life but it wasn't and I wasn't... or was I?
I don't know who I am from one day to the next and despite the cocktail of pills I have been on since the diagnosis, I am still on a rollercoaster of weird emotions and behaviour and I can be a different Alice every single day.
I feel for Hoff and the kids. I have no idea how they live with such a cra cra weirdo at times. Although the good times are amazing, the bad times are a bit shit. I can spend weeks not leaving the house, this meaning the kids often spend weeks inside too. When I'm up however we are never in the house, we are out doing stuff, spending money I don't have and creating weird and wonderful memories.
The balance somehow works part of the time. It depends on what time of the month, what dosage of pills and often the weather plays a part in the situation too. The sun shines light on the dark part of my brain it seems and can lift me out of a low. The cold, rainy, dark days though just add to the darkness of the lows. There is so much to think about and learn to help myself balance and I am nowhere near working it out yet.
Having mood swings when you're due on your monthly visit, is normal isn't it ladies? But for me it means catching the genuine crazy train. I can be bouncing off the walls one minute and sat in the corner crying the next. I can genuinely hate myself to the point of suicidal thoughts and then wake up bouncing from one amazing idea to the next getting more done in one day than the whole month beforehand. We haven't found the balance of pills for this yet and it scares the shit out of me. Every month I dread the week, or sometimes two, before and during my monthly cycle and I can actually make myself worse worrying about it. I can't seem to win.
So why am I writing this post? Because I have been in the longest and worst low for a long time. I may have been ignoring you, had a radio silence, forgotten something, not done something I was supposed to and so on. I haven't really mentioned it before and so I think people just think I'm an ignorant c word, I am, but I don't mean to be. If that makes sense.
So, sorry for being AWOL, MIA or any other letter combination available that means missing. Sometimes I just have tunnel vision and the light at the end is too dim to see anything around me. Get yourself a torch, often that will make me see what is going on. Don't hold my hand though, I'm not good at people being nice at these times... just walk ahead of me with your light. That is all I often need.
Thanks in advance, love your faces.